I’ve always tried to keep away from character assassinations of my extended family even though sometimes I wonder why so I will resist the temptation and pick on someone else instead, the ocean finance adverts, is there an acting agency somewhere that specializes in very bad actors who are pig ugly to boot and if not then where the hell do they find these people I know I’m no oil painting but some of these herberts would frighten our dog I could go on ,,, so I shall, the latest one features a halfwit who is wandering around with what appears to be a large 1920’s Edison light bulb on his head who comes home and gets positively priapic when his Bella Emburg lookalike wife tells him that Ocean have their own TV channel, yes we know it has Mrs. its mixed up with all the adult stuff to keep the kids away.
The injury lawyers 4 you people seem to be using the same agency there is a woman slipping on a wet floor And as her hand bag hits the floor and her lipstick bounces away in slow motion the camera zooms out to show her opening a cheque the last time I saw teeth that bad it was on the discovery channel and why does the top of her head seem to be flat, has she had some previous nasty accident perhaps ?
On Monday I was off work and being bored thought I’d cheer myself up with some daytime TV the one I was particularly underwhelmed with was loose women who’s Idea was this and who can be arsed watching it , it was like listening to my Mrs. and her sisters after a few chateux collapso’s
Back to work on Tuesday thank gawd not that there was much sanity in that direction our mentalist supervisor is now planning on buying a billy goat which is actually a large outdoor vacuum he plans to go round pubs and charge em 20 quid a go to suck up the fag ends outside, the mans nuts
Nigel Farage Dontcha just love him not only as he made a complete pillock of himself with his half arsed insults but now he’s trying to drag the rest of us in to his personal crusade I mean how the hell do these people get elected and where does he get the mandate to spew out all that “non country crap” he’s made the entire country curl their toes in embarrassment in my opinion the desire to become a politician should immediately ban you from becoming one and on a similar note the bleedin yanks are sitting on the fence again over the Falkland oil argument for Christ’s sake someone tell em to get behind us or we’ll leave em to the mess they’ve made in Afghanistan and Iraq because any excuse to pull out of there should be grabbed with both hands…………….rant over I wonder what the weekend holds in store we wait with bated breath have to go now…………anyone injured back there?

Monday again and the brain of Bramley AKA my young un has gone to work with my keys in the glove box of his car so that’s the day knackered before it starts, back to bed it is then.
This weekend has been quite a pleasant one for a change no nasty happenings or arguments to blacken the mood, even my tooth has been behaving itself my foot still throbs like buggery in my opinion, although I’m told “nothing throbs like buggery” not something I’m qualified to comment on will have to ask the fairy at work if I ever get there.
Saturday was just cold enough to keep me from having to prune the trees in the garden something I’ve been avoiding since September but not cold enough to but the kibosh on anything else, so off I went to Baildon to watch the nipper play an easy win in the end but he got carted off to hospital with a stinger injury which turned out to be just soft tissue, a bruise in other words , soft sod.
Still it leaves him ok to play in the national cup thingy next week and I’m thinking of jumping the gun and booking a weekend in London for the final I know it will probably give them the kiss of death but Mrs. Dwarfe has been nattering at me, I don’t think she wants me to go on my own, I wonder what she thinks she knows this time, I detect a certain air of distrust creeping in.
All giddy at the moment I just ordered my new phone the old one is held together with duct tape and keeps switching itself off for no good reason but I’ve had to cope until an upgrade was available, so now something new and shiny, is due to arrive tomorrow I wonder how long this one will last.
The snow seems to have come back with reinforcements today I wish it would pack it in, its no fun rolling around on the floor in this but at least its making my garden look like the retired bloke next door.
I see on the news this morning the “petrol tanks” have managed to bomb the crap out of a load of civilians in Afghanistan, well at least they missed our lads for a change.
WTF is going on at Chelsea we now have Cashley Cole getting caught playing hide the sausage at least it means John Terry can breath out at least for a minute I mean how daft do you have to be to get caught you would think with the amount they earn they could cover their arses a bit better than that, the man in the pub reckons that it could cost us the world cup if they drop the pair of them but he may as well put his hat on his arse and learn to walk backwards as we were never going to win it in the first place Cole should be worried himself though because in a couple of years when he’s on the bench for Gillingham reserves and she’s off doing a summer season at Butlins she will probably be getting her own back with a different redcoat every night.
Have to go now I’m afraid, KEEP SHOUTING SIR WE’LL FIND YOU…………..

Friday at last and am finally getting the hang of me new teef and am looking forward to tonight’s bun fight , tomorrow sees me off to Baildon , to watch some more high quality sport (Rugby) hope my youngest is sensible tonight he’s staying at his girlfriends so that usually keeps him sober unless they have another fall out in which case he will be on the piss again up Pudsey and good for sod all tomorrow the last couple of days have been an eye opener on the working front the previously mentioned Herbert supervisor has come up with another little beauty “ drop shipping” on ebay which sounds suspiciously like handling stolen goods to me,” I said it to Orville and I said it to Wilbur it’ll never fooking fly “
Have to go now Mr. Brown is knocking

Evening all, I see Robbie “Gobby” Williams was given a lifetime achievement award at last nights Brits isn’t that a bit like giving business man of the year to last Fridays lottery winner, nice result but no talent involved its not as though he writes any of his own stuff or anything, bet he’s off down the public bogs with his two friends “George & Michael”
to celebrate.
Meanwhile back in my little world, I have now had my new false tooth fitted the upside is that I can now smile in public and the downside is that missus Dwarfe will expect me to smile in public, also I cant seem to drive them properly eating for example is completely out by the time I’ve finished anything its clap cold and I’ve got passed wanting it. Even an apple is now a mission today at work I spent ten minutes hacking one to bits with a Stanley knife into small enough bits so I didn’t have to bite it.
Missus Dwarfe says I will soon get used to it but I’m not too sure and Friday nights meal out should be an experience I will probably pretend I’m not hungry and stick to just soup because the alternative doesn’t bear thinking about, whipping em out in the middle of the restaurant and chomping away on a steak or something with my top set on the side plate is pretty sure to get us booted out and I could do without spending the weekend on the shit list.
At this rate I will be looking like Lena Zavoroni by June, It does have one unexpected bonus though I’ve found that Smiling at dogs makes em slink away whimpering, It could be the next big reality thing on channel 4 “when dentures attack” or “A dentist ruined my life” or some such bollocks it cant be any worse than some of the crap that’s finding its way onto there I swear I saw one called “strictly come wheelchair dancing” I shit you not !
The man in the pub meanwhile dropped a real bombshell today by stating that due to a global conspiracy (what another one?) the world will end on December 21 2012 better make sure the missus is insured then.
Only the super rich will survive because they have all been party to this and have been planning their escape for a long time its sad to think that the only remaining ambassadors from mankind will be prince Charles Paul Mccartney, Bill gates, and Richard Branson, my heart wasn’t really in the discussion so I wandered home with my rattling tooth and left them to it, have to go now my bike needs turning round

DD

…………………….Sunday morning…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ………. its what day ? oh Jesus Christ why didn’t someone mention it 10 minutes later yours truly is scraping the price off a bunch of BP’s finest in the local petrol station luckily they sell cards as well ,and fervently hoping I could get home before her majesty could get down stairs, I didn’t
Needless to say things could have gone better but I still have all the main parts attached so it could have been worse too
A nice easy day was planned and after I had made lunch by way of atonement I was just settling down to watch the England game when daughters numbers 1 and 2 both arrived with their better halves so there went the peace and quiet this was followed by a couple of sister in laws and the general noise level went up another notch. as they all did that peculiar family thing of trying to talk over each other great I thought all I need now is the other one and as sure as night follows day he rocked up demanding food the fact that he had been missing since yesterday afternoon was completely ignored I thought about sneaking out but knowing I wouldn’t get far I gritted my teeth and tried to be nice, talk about in one ear and out the other its only yesterday but I cant recall a single thing said to me.
Work this morning was almost a relief so sitting at my desk pretending to paw over a couple of parts manuals I found entertainment watching the previously mentioned area supervisor trying to induct and train some new seasonal staff, talk about the blind leading the blind, in the current economic situation with all these folk out of work I cant understand how we manage to find such half witted people most of them were here last year so how come they have forgotten everything in the space of 3 months one of em spent most of the morning picking his nose, eating it and talking about football.
At least I don’t have to get involved will write more tomorrow when my new tooth arrives have to go the vicar is at the door
DD

Well that’s another week done with have finally got an appointment to have me poor old feet operated on again first time this year, I wish I knew what was causing it mind you so do the bloody quacks, I really, really hope the anesthetic works this time cos I was swearing the air blue last time, and listening to “ I’m really sorry Mr. dwarf but I cant leave it like this I have to carry on but don’t worry the nails are nearly off” oh that’s alright then thought I.
Never mind things are looking up in other things medical I’m getting my front tooth put back in on Tuesday so I will be able to smile in public for the first time in 20 years, look out ladies!
And that comment from Mrs. Dwarf was entirely unnecessary for all she knows I could be suffering fro a serious medical condition.
Saturday afternoon saw me assume my usual position of zoned out at the rugby club watching the young un play and drinking piss poor lager and wondering who I could blagg a lift home from when after the game the fruit of my loins informed me he had forgotten his trousers because he had gone up there already changed, the kid really is a bloody cretin at times.
Saturday night saw us mooching around Bramley town street and meeting some friends who had managed to get a baby sitter and had really taken advantage of the fact by booking into a hotel a couple of hundred yards away so there was no chance at all of hearing their sproggs kicking off , an interesting evening all round really I got to find out about a job opportunity that would suit me down to the ground and allow me to stick the finger up at the current lot I work with.
Looking around the boozer as I do when senior management pops out for one of her lousy fags was a giggle as well I often wonder what some people think they look like when they come out and why are that couple in the corner eating each others faces and fumbling about under the table, trust me mate that wont last.
Last orders came and went and home we stumbled I was downstairs filling up the coffee machine when I heard the snoring start from up stairs, so It looks like a go on the bouncy castle is off the menu as well so off to the big black night all…………………………..

……………..Roll on Friday as we used to say at R.O.F Barnbow this week is deader than corduroy , I seem to me working in a mad house the lads I’m meant to keep an eye on appear to be all care in the community retards ( I have just taken my boots out of the microwave) , maybe it would just be easier to join in WHAT DO THE WINDOWS TASTE OF TODAY BOYS, it’s a short day today as I’m off to the dentist oh joy I wonder what they’ll charge me for this time.
Looks like we have to stay in tomorrow which is a bit sad for a Friday night but senior management wants to go out Saturday night instead so no “sauce” Saturday afternoon either a double whammy for yours truly , shes buggering off to one of her sisters tonight so at least I get control of the TV, god knows what they find to talk about, me probably or the one of the other unfortunates they are hitched to, when shall we four meet again etc, broomsticks all round.
Had to give our so called supervisor a lecture earlier on poxy service schedules the man has the attention span of a fruit fly I’m sure none of it sunk in so we will probably spend most of the summer getting irate phone calls asking where the hell we are while dipshit tries to blame the lads playing football in the yard under the impression there is nothing to do.
The man in the pub says that our income tax is going up hugely to pay for the bloody Olympics , nothing to do with the mountain of debt the place is in then?
I run my finances better than our chancellor and I’m skint half the time, I mean Darling, what sort of name is that for a chancellor no wonder the place is knackered “oh never mind we’ll print some more money , so that’s all right then.
Might nip to my “club” later (which for the sake of argument I’ll call Bramley rugby club) for a few liveners early doors.
Yours in alcohol DD

?????Here we are again, skint but happy too much month left at the end of the money etc.
The papers aren?t exactly full of cheer either, here?s a thought instead of massive cuts in the NHS and other public services, why don?t we just bring our soldiers home, save a fortune and let the unwashed sort things out for themselves I mean no one really agreed to invade Iraq a million + people in fact signed a petition not to do it but Mr sincere Blair and his slack jawed side kick Brown completely ignored the lot of em and went anyway and could someone tell me what we are trying to achieve in Afghanistan and why all we get is the one answer fits all 9/11 , 9/11 what for gods sake I never felt a thing and I?m willing to bet you didn?t either trust me on this nothing we do there will make the slightest difference to us going for a beer at the weekend , the man in the boozer reckons its all because of the great Satan in the west and for once I reckon he?s right I just cant help wondering what?s in it for us ?
And don?t listen to the human rights hand wringing excuse either, if anyone in Westminster really gave a toss about dictators murdering their own people we would have gone into Zimbabwe and Kicked out mad dog Mugabe years ago it would be a lot easier than this crap we are committed to as well as most of the folk there would be cheering us on to get shut of the mad bastard and the lads could have all been home in time for tea and medals by now.
Not that I want to big up Cameron and his bunch of Hooray Henrys either they would no doubt be as bad its easy to talk the talk in opposition but they will do sod all different to the present really apart from feathering different nests as soon as Obama or someone over there shouts shit they will hit the shovels just like this lot did. The upcoming election therefore seems to be heading for a massive apathy test followed by a landslide victory for ?can?t be arsed?
Meanwhile the man in the pub after briefly talking sense is back on the send em all back crusade and Id pull the bloody lever myself. So leaving him at the bar foaming at the mouth I dawdled home to have a skip around on the net but Missus Dwarf was watching something that mostly consisted of screaming and crying it seams Corporation street is now competing with east enders for the most depressing plot lines on TV in an attempt to claw back some ratings still at least it doesn?t have Simon bloody Cowel in it.
I can?t help noticing that my inbox seems to be full of adverts for cheap Viagra, hair loss product, penis enlargement treatment (guaranteed or your money back) & death insurance, is all this connected, I think we should be told
The insurance one is particularly sinister as I would be guaranteed to be accepted if I was over fifty and no salesman will call, should think not as well I?ll have the bloody dog on him although this charming carriage clock could be mine,
FOR THE LAST TIME I?M NOT THAT OLD YOU BASTARDS !
Have to go now the potatoes need straining , pip pip

????Today found me busy busy busy changing a rear axle on a baby john deere the heaviest, most fingertrappingly most awkward job known to man or dwarf only to find after I finished that the wrong axle had been supplied and it would have to come out again oh joy, I suppose it all brings home time with my aching back and bandaged fingers I really am getting too old for this crap.
On a lighter note the supervisor now reckons he is going to become a washing machine repair man he really does never fail to entertain, he says there?s good money to be made and he?s found a course on the net for a mere 900 quid, watching him cart his gear round on his poncy motorbike should be worth watching but it will probably go the same way as his other money making schemes none of which ever work so we are not holding our breath.
I did point out to him that I didn?t think there was a washer repair man in the village people and he turned quite rude, but considering that he left his girlfriend moved in with another bloke and started doing Freddie Mercury impressions with his leather trousers he shouldn?t be too surprised when the piss gets taken I mean the geezer he?s now living with is a light on his feet vegetarian who is very close to his mum nudge nudge wink wink apparently they spent the weekend putting up flat pack wardrobes and bickering
Anyway the man in the pub says the Welsh sheep shagger sent off on Saturday for tripping our hooker will get away with it as its all a conspiracy , no one likes us we don?t care etc
It does the heart good to see the arrogant bastards beaten I bet that was a happy bus going home I suppose they could always cheer each other up by singing some jolly hyms at each other, there was a pillock on face book last week trying to flog some Tickets for the Wales v Italy game for 80 quid a go saying ?this will be the grand slam game? more like wooden spoon take that gobshite HA HA?????.

The week drew to a close with the news that our youngest gnome had found a new job doubles all round as this should ease the strain on our finances, in the long term at least in the short term of course I will have to shell out for his fuel etc for a couple of weeks and the chances of me getting any of that back are slim to zero but then what?s new?
Saturday came with a trip to Seaham in the north east to watch the afore mentioned sprog play rugby in the national vase, Seaham itself is an interesting place (if you like that sort of thing) it used to be a prosperous coal mining town with pits that burrowed out under the north sea Margret Thatcher put a stop to that of course in the 80?s and now most of the inhabitants seem to exist by stealing each others washing and mugging lost tourists from nearby Sunderland, but as always when a Bramley team travels north the opposition seems to be bloody huge being big however is no substitute for being any good, and within the first ten minutes it became obvious that there would only ever be one winner
When this eventually dawned on the opposition they of course reverted to plan b , physical intimidation, we had 3 players with gouged eyes in the space of around 15 mins, then someone hit someone else who then passed it on this became popular the second half continued in a similar fashion until with around 5 minutes to go when with my previously mentioned offspring lining up yet another conversion the mother of all brawls erupted on the halfway line, the referee who by this time resembled a nervous wreck blew the pea out of his whistle, jumped in his car (a Bently no less) and did one at high speed because the ?game? had gone more than 60 mins the result stands apparently, anyway I still cant believe I drove 80 miles to watch that crap but a wins a win I suppose
Sunday was cold and grey like the inside of a ping pong ball and the whole tribe had agreed to go to a charity fun day type thing to raise some cash for a little girl near us who is very ill and needs to go to the US for treatment, and though the day was pleasant enough and ridiculously busy I couldn?t help thinking they would have done better either indoors or in summer anyway I hope they raised a lot and look forward to finding out.
Back to work today I wonder what the week will bring???

.....................

Returning to work yesterday I discovered the supervisor has decided to get a new motor bike strange really as I never had him down as homosexual, still if he wants to get dressed up as Freddie Mercury I suppose that?s his affair I keep getting a mental picture of him mincing around the pinker parts of town, I could never take him seriously to begin with he has no chance now.
I see Andy Murray is no longer British and has gone back to being Scottish after the weekends Heroic failure still at least he tried, coming in second heroically is getting to be one of our habits as a nation its what comes of being brought up on a diet of Coronation street drizzle and beef burgers
The only other notable today was the arrival of our gas bill Jesus Christ how do they work it out? by chucking darts perhaps.
The man in the pub reckons that Wayne Bridge tried to patch things up with his girlfriend with a box of milk tray apparently she prefers Terrys and Andrew ?Manuel? Sachs left Jonathon Woss an answering machine message saying ?Ha Ha I f*cked your career, Have to go now see yawllllll