EEEE where to start I’ve been off for that long and so many things have happened, my toes are on the mend but my family is still a bunch of dysfunctional’s my job is still bollocks and the country is about fooked but apart from that everything’s just peachy in the Dwarfe household, the wifes had her hair cut and now resembles Yoda and my youngest is still an arse, in the news Stephen Byers seems to have got the push for embellishing his CV we can only hope he stays away instead of using the revolving door routine employed my Mandelson etc on a lighter note Jenson Button won the grand prix and Paul Gascoin has been caught pissed as a fart in his car again,
I see the BA cabin crew strike is in full swing it would be funny for any of them bumping into a soldier returning from Afghanistan to tell them all about their poor pay, conditions and uniform………..and then duck,
In Canada apparently the oldest magazine on sale there is having to change its name because of “difficulties” with internet spam filters, “The Beaver”has been published since 1920 but an online version is being filtered out by spam filters and the visitors who do manage to get through stay for an average of 10 seconds, cant think why, perhaps a history journal isn’t what they were looking for.
Over zealous chastity belts are of course nothing new on the tinterweb, Scunthorpe for example doesn’t seem to exist and Peniston and Lightwater have both had trouble as well it seems
Meanwhile the man in the pub was dribbling away on fine form this week saying the French are fixing the votes in the European parliament and along with the Germans want to take over in Greece following their enormous cocked up economy as well as more farm subsidies for themselves and of course nothing for us where he gets this crap from I don’t know its not the content that is in anyway amusing it’s the drunken delivery, I think someone must have left a copy of the daily torygraph on the bar still it makes a change from Jordans Tits

This week got off to a hectic start with me running round like a blue arsed fly at work trying to get everything shipshape for me to leave it for a few days while I go in hospital although I’ve been down this road before and fully expect to come back to a disaster area.
Tuesday up bright and early absolutely crapping myself basically because I know what happens 0900 please be prompt the letter said so there I was promptly ten minutes early and was seen promptly at eleven o’clock anyway after they had finished torturing me I was left to my own devices on a trolley for no apparent reason for a good hour the nurse then appeared at a sprint apparently the clippy thing on the end of my finger that was supposed to measure my pulse had stopped working, after establishing that I was still alive and therefore unable to sue she informed me after she had finished yelling at me for taking photo’s with my mobile phone I could get dressed and foxtrot oscar off home, this I was only too happy to do hopefully before the feeling came back in my foot.
The youngest picked me up and stopping only to buy a birthday card for senior management home we went .
Its amazing how boring things could be when you are not supposed to be walking around for a few days and how many things there are in our house to stub your toes on so spent Tuesday and Wednesday oozing horribly.
Wednesday, St. Patricks day also Mrs. Dwarfes birthday and all the bars round here are full of English yobs pretending to be Irish, any excuse to get shit faced maybe if we get the red crosses out on April 23rd . for St Georges day the cretins would pretend to be human instead, although that’s probably just wish full thinking no doubt the local councilors would give their beards a trim, dust off their best jumpers, climb up on their hind legs and accuse everyone of racism again telling us how it would upset all the muslims, I said it before and I’ll say it again screw the lot of em, its time we were represented properly in this country.
Where was I, oh yes the wife’s birthday there was no way I was going to get a shoe on so off she went with her sisters leaving me in peace, starving but in peace.
Thursday saw me off to see nursey for the dressing changed and by blood pressure checked which apparently went up while I was having my opp, cant think why I mean having your toenails torn off is an everyday occurrence round here, anyway the blood and snot had glued the dressings to my foot so that was another highly unpleasant half hour getting them changed, “Oh well done” proclaimed nursy , “f**k you” muttered I , “oh dear your BP is up again she said” “oh you don’t f*****g say” quipped me .
The weekend beckons with my birthday tomorrow and we have a busy one planned hope I can get my shoes on otherwise I’m off to the pub in my slippers

Watching Man utd the other night I noticed that this game was billed as David Beckhams return to Old Trafford, unfortunately he wasn’t selected to start so the TV director had to keep zooming in on him sat on the bench chewing, just in case he had gone home.
On a more serious note David Cameron our PM in waiting decided that he would have to do a TV interview to counter balance Gordon Browns conducted crying on the Piers Morgan drivel fest the week before, so there he is with the world at his feet and every serious political interviewer in the land Paxman, Mcdondald etc , chomping at the bit to have him on and who does he choose,,,,,,, Alan bloody Titchmarsh for gods sake, he may as well have asked me.
The Lib Dems have entered into the spirit of the up coming election by parachuting a woman porn director into a constituency in Kent it should cure the voting apathy if nothing else the manifesto should make good reading “ A local candidate for local issues etc” the constituency phone lines should be good too when you ring up to moan about the dog mess or street lights and the operators telling you what shes wearing and moaning back at you I’d vote for that !
Prince Phillip has played another blinder again this week I see, asking a sea cadet who told him she worked part time in a night club if she was a stripper, this seemed a good encore after telling General Stroessner leader of Paraguay ( a country run almost exclusively be ex Nazis) that it was “good to be in a country that’s not ruled by its people” then he destroyed a 13 year old boy who said he wanted to be an astronaught “your much too fat for that” this all came after last years little beauties when he asked an aboriginal tribe leader in Australia if “ they still chucked spears at each other” then closer to home when introduced to a Scottish driving instructor he quipped “ how do you keep the locals sober enough to get em through the test?”, not forgetting all the slitty eye jokes the idiot cracked in China last year I mean I wish he would die cos I really really really want his job…………………..god bless him
Anyway that was Friday and good riddance to a pretty awful week all round am looking forward to tonight though so I can go out and practice binge drinking gotta go now I must rearrange the technical area

DD

Hello all Settling down to watch the England, V Egypt game last night I’m not a huge football fan but last night I came to realize last night that at least one person in Wembley stadium has a sense of humor I had to have a little giggle as England were lining up to come out the camera focused on John Terry and the PA announcer chose that moment to start playing “The Killers “ Mr. Brightside (Jealousy is killing me etc) I had thought everyone in football far too self important and up themselves for anything like that.
I see on TV earlier that yet another lightweight daytime TV presenter has gone west in a bizarre masturbation accident do these people know something we don’t, or do we just lack imagination?
Meanwhile in politics its nice to see Gordon Brown telling old Jacob Zuma to sling his hook over the Zimbabwe thing,
And on the home front we have just received our council tax bill, I really do need to lay down the bill goes up and up and at the same time the service goes down and down, big holes in the roads bins not emptied etc, then the cheeky sods had the front to send me a snotty letter telling me to cut back my trees that are overgrowing the foot path at the side of my house, the foot path that is , that is responsible for half the bloody crime in west Leeds, or else……………………they will send someone round, well please do, feel free, knock yourselves out.
On the domestic front our youngest has been stitched up in this new job of his, he started off with promises of Monday to Friday and has now a month in been told he will have to go on a continental shift pattern that will severely bugger up his rugby so not being one to take things lying down he marched into the office with a handful of holiday forms and booked off every Saturday between now and the end of the season after glowering at the HR woman he got away with it too, Awww bless him.
Don’t know what the weekend will bring but I’m hoping for some decent weather so I can make a start in the garden, and reclaim the area around the pond and waterfall so I can sit there with my fishing rod through the summer, must dash I need to rearrange the fruit bowl
DD

Friday eventually crawled round and we stayed in waiting for the satellite TV bloke to call around all we got was a txt telling us he couldn’t make it and would call tomorrow to tell the truth our hopes weren’t high after he messed us around last time so we wont hold our breath for tomorrow, and sure enough stayed in Saturday and no TV man have the feeling we’ve been stitched up like a kipper with this bloke, I suppose we’ll have to do this the legal/expensive way :O) stayed in to watch the six nations game’s Scotland got beat but the one we were particularly despondent about was the England farce, beaten by the Irish AGAIN but never mind a party at one of the neighbors promised to lighten the mood and from what I remember It was a fine old time Apparently I started getting obnoxious around midnight after polishing off the vodka and was getting well and truly stuck into the pear cider when Missus Dwarfe decided enough was enough and bundled me back around to our house sent me to bed and disappeared back to the party, ah what it must be to be popular.
Sunday saw me off across town to see my Dad getting a bit worried about him to tell the truth his blood sugar keeps going through the roof and he’s well into his eighty’s so it cant mean anything good but he seems happy and active enough so keeping the fingers crossed.
After lunch we had yet another party to go to but to be honest by this time I had had about enough alcohol for the week and pleasant though it was we left early and were home for six and an early night .
5 am Monday morning it’s the wife’s turn to get the boy up and as I lay there in a warm semi conscious state I was dimly aware of movement downstairs and was just dropping off back to sleep for an hour when I heard the door crash open again, the nut case had come back and that could mean a few things none of them good, “is dad awake”? I was then alright, what now thought I turns out the fool had put petrol in my car that he is borrowing while his is repaired it should however have been diesel
So the week was off to a flier, after sorting that out and getting him on his way, with eyes like a teddy bear I got to work not really in the mood for the usual Monday crap that was sure to hit the fan as usual managed to sidestep most of it and was off up the road at home time like a rat up a drainpipe when I got there however I soon wished I hadn’t been in such a rush. Mrs Dwarfe had agreed against all common sense to hold a tea party for one of her sisters mother in laws (so it would be a surprise) and as I came in salivating for my dinner I was greeted with her feverishly cooking party food and shouting at me to go sit down and touch nothing the young un was sat there in the best room as well with a face like a slapped arse, they’re all coming dad he said ALL of em ! pausing to let this sink in he continued even aunty A***la .
Its not often “her we don’t mention” comes around here, come to think of it it’s not often she seems to go anywhere, so I thought I’d best find out, er about you’re A***la I started to say but was met with a look that would have stripped paint followed by What about her? Still not reading the signs I thought I’d lighten the mood “don’t let her have anything sharp” will you I quipped “ best just stick to soup” I continued before the wrath of hell was unleashed upon my mortal being .
Slinking away muttering I thought this is going to be wonderful must try behave, must try behave, must try behave just as the door opened , and they all arrived together my young un saw his chance to drop me in it and picked his moment perfectly, (I really couldn’t) have don’t it better myself) “Dad says he shouted She’s not to have owt Sharp or hot and not to lick the windows cos they’ve just been cleaned” and then flew up stairs wetting himself.
To be fair She took it in fun, no one else did though so the rest of the evening could have been more comfortable……………..better go now the kids need dropping off at the pool