Here I am back fresh from a weekend daaan saaaarf watching the youngest play at Twickenham, the weekend for me started on Thursday with finishing work and then piling straight into the pub, and then with a pounding head off at the crack of sparrow fart to buy a new jacket, as usual all the cheapo places had sod all worth having so visa card in hand a heavy heart and a hangover I grasped the nettle and went to a “proper place “ to quote the wife. Get a new shirt and a new suit carrier while you’re at it she says, I must have looked as though I was pissing lemon juice while I was paying for it.
That over with off we set down the M1 after leaving instructions with the brain of Bramley who was setting off on the team coach later, turn everything off lock up etc,
After making good time until getting near Heathrow we ended up in the mother of all traffic jams and to pass the time started remembering all the things we had forgotten to bring, glasses etc.
We were booked into a “Lenny Henry Special” a mile or so from the stadium and to be fair the place was ok considering the price, but we decided that there was no way we could be cooped up there for the night so we rang some friends who had set off earlier and arranged to meet them in a boozer in Hounslow, Yates’s to be precise what a shit hole! still with jugs of what was laughingly described as white wine at a fiver a go it was economical so not terribly surprisingly there we stayed.
A bombshell was dropped, do you have your match tickets yet we were asked? No I was just going to pay on the gate I said, Oh don’t bother we have some spare came the reply for the royal box she added………………don’t take the piss said I, no really she said handing them over, this could get messy thought I, still ask no questions etc.
The game itself was a bit of an anti climax as we gave em far too much respect not to mention a 25 point start a finished up coming second but the occasion was truly memorable and watching from prince William’s seat was good for a laugh as well.
The day continued with much drinking etc at a pub called the cabbage patch on Twickenham high street until the evening when my self and Mrs. Dwarfe peeled off and left then to it while we wobbled back to our hotel and went on a munchies frenzy in the restaurant.
Meanwhile we seem to have a new government, I cant believe the temerity of Clegg the turncoat, and cant wait to see what happens when Cameron gets sick of having him following him around’.
Beckham meanwhile looks as if his Achilles injury will keep him out of action for a couple of months so he wont be able to resume his modeling career until August neither will he be able to watch the world cup from his now usual position of on the bench between Michael Carrick and the bloke who washes the kit.
And my favorite entertainer Robbie Gobby Williams, is claiming to have made his previous albums while under the influence of cannabis personally I find the claim laughable that anyone on marijuana could possibly come up with anything as bland and turgid as “sing when your winning” the little west midlands karaoke singing cretin is desperately trying to get his mush in the papers again to boost his waning popularity, as his army of twelve year old fans have all grown up and seen through him . will write again soon……
DD

Hello all have been away for a while and thought Id better catch up its been a busy time around here, a weekend away last week did us all good went down to Evesham to watch the youngest play and we won ! much to everyone’s relief and my surprise I might shamefully add and so Twickenham it is in a fortnight I wonder if the place knows what’s coming, a lighter side of the episode was the young un managed to get his self in Gloucestershire today (the local newspaper) the “action shot” clearly shows him with his finger up his nose ………never mind See added pic
Anyway General Election tomorrow then the three main clowns can go back to London and start ignoring us again, still cant make my mind up who to vote for and will probably shut my eyes and stick a pin in the paper its as sound a system as any I’ve heard of recently on the home front the healthy living regime installed by the wife seems to be working and apart from everything else is saving yours truly a fortune .
On the work front the Barmy supervisor has suddenly started taking his job seriously and has spent the last couple of weeks chasing around members of staff he suspects of skiving and feverishly writing reports to send to human resources, warming to the heart it is to see only knowing full well that the brutes are far too clever for him and will simply run rings around him in the subsequent disciplinary hearings I find it particularly amusing to watch him trying to brow beat them into grassing each other up, as they all sit there with zipped up gobs and smug grins, still it gives him something to do and out of my way so there s a silver lining after all .

Here’s a thought I had watching the debate the other night and I think as a policy it’s a sure fire winner. FIRST we get a Judge to declare Binladen Officially dead, THEN, Gordon or whoever can declare the war on terror officially won, THEN, we can bring all our soldiers home from Iraq and Afghanistan saving ourselves zillions of pounds instead of having to shut stuff over here, THEN, I think we could all drink to that apart from the Muslims of course but don’t worry cos they get something too, Binladens wives will be able to claim on the insurance while he takes a canoe holiday, and his mates in Iraq and Afghanistan can all go back to the “rustic” life style they are so keen on.
Everyone’s a winner doubles all round, whadda you thunk?
Anyway moving on, after a week that can only be described as manic the weekend came around full of promise for the Dwarfe household went out on Friday and the man in the pub was in fine form apparently water has been found on the moon and its already significantly better than that found in most Spanish hotels, the drunken conversation degenerated into a probably brilliant Idea to “sex up” the general election, lets get Simon Cowel to do it X factor style with Dermot and Davina telling us all which number to ring every 15 seconds each party gets say 3 minutes cos lets face it that’s about the attention span most of the audience have then they can get Cowel and his camp mates to waspishly pull em to bits we could make a fortune soon have the deficit sorted advertising space and everything primetime on a Saturday imagine that we could even have a competition for the party broadcasts and slip in that incredibly annoying “we buy any car advert” speaking of incredibly annoying I was forced (by senior management) to sit through a documentary about Pineapple dance studio I’m normally a calm and non violent person but how irritating is that geezer that runs the place and keeps bursting into dance routines for no apparent reason, after about ten minutes of it I had an overwhelming urge to kick him round the car park.
Anyway have to go for now seeyawllll

Here we are again another day another dollar its been a pretty good weekend all round and everyone seems to be getting on feel quite sorry for all the folk stuck in foreign parts because of some volcano or other in Iceland, and apparently unlike Cheryl Cole it is still blowing ash so there’s no end in sight to the projected misery, on the news just now some Herbert in our government has decided to send an aircraft carrier to France to pick up the stranded, seeing that there is apparently lots of space on the cross channel ferries this would appear to be a political circus , election coming is there?
On the subject of which Nick Clegg the man of in substance from the Liberal party appears to have done quite well in the televised debate unfortunately for him after years of being largely ignored some of his policy statements may now come under rather close scrutiny and all those wonderful sounding ideas that he confidently droned on about in the full and certain knowledge that none would ever be put into practice he may now have to run with because if he gets another swing to the libs After the next televised snore fest he could just feasibly be heading for government saw him on the news earlier and the poor sod looked like a rabbit in the headlights.
On the work front our star man supervisor who has been rather quiet recently bought a “Chinese I phone “ off the internet I did warn the Idiot that it would break but now he’s moaning that bits of it have stopped working and he cant get half of the apps to work it wont connect to the internet and keeps turning itself off £100 quid well spent still there is none so blind as those that will not see. The man in the pub was on fine form on Friday night on one of his “send em all back” tirades very entertaining it was like one of Barbara Windsors wedding video’s up until the time that the place got raided I’ve never seen so many coppers in one place, sniffer dogs and everything eleven vans worth didn’t find anything though and tempted as I was to tell em to eff off and catch some burglars I thought better of it fortunately.
Anyone seen new Tory manifesto? Apparently “according to the man in the pub” they want to let Idiots like us set up our own schools ! and we will be able to sack MP’s we don’t like, now I’m not Albert Einstein but even I can see where this is going they must be F*****G crazy I don’t want people who just happen to live in my street having more power for gods sake there is a bloke in our rugby club who put himself in hospital setting fire to his farts and who’s main claim to fame is that he can get £2.70 in ten pence pieces inside his foreskin, I know he can because I’ve seen him do it and they want people like him telling us how to educate our kids

Very quiet at work and on the home front the missus has put us all on diets even the youngest is on a healthy eating crusade I wonder how long this will last.
The garden is slowly getting reclaimed and I now have plans to get rid of the Ivy growing up the house side I’m finding this election malarkey increasingly depressing and wish they would all just go away and die quietly my foot is infected again but I’m keeping that quiet until I have no choice as I don’t fancy another episode with the toe nail pliers so soon after the last one I have to go to the quacks on Friday anyway for tests and stuff I don’t know what they find so fascinating, I suppose I should be grateful I was reading in the paper today about a bloke in County Durham supposedly Britain’s most accident prone man he’s in hospital today with two broken ankles after being crushed by a JCB the list of accidents/injuries suffered by the poor sod is unbelievable he broke both legs tripping over a potato, fractured his scull falling down stairs after tripping over his cat, and has broken his fingers over ten times hitting them with hammers, the list is pretty endless and eye watering too apparently he has been kicked in the nuts by cattle and horses as well as people the list goes on he once cut off a finger whilst whittling ????
Makes my own problems seem tame by comparison.
The plain English campaign group are up in arms with the Cambridgeshire Plod for issuing a free newssheet titled (and I shit you not) “Police continue to target crime”………………..oh good.

One of the things getting to me about the upcoming election is the bloody awful advertising that is going around, now Im no expert but in my experience advertising people normally concentrate on a few of their products main selling points and try to emphasize their advantages and uniqueness, however this lot just seem to want to slag each other off almost as though they are trying to draw attention away from their own inadequacy i.e. look how bad they are , we are not quite so awful, still shit of course but not as bad as them !
The labour party has come up with an own goal that I find particularly depressing “Cameron wants to drag us back to the 80’s” er great I can go berserk again but do I really have to vote for him?
And why have they started getting their bloody awful wives involved , I mean Samcam for gods sake didn’t we all learn a lesson with Cherie Blair at least Thatcher used to keep Dennis out of the way (pissed but out of the way) with the rest of her bloody awful family
But the bloody Tories want us to keep up with Camerons wife, and they have started selling T Shirts with MP’s faces on the front! For gods sake which marketing genius came up with that one.
Anyway returning to the real world, and it was with massive sadness I read about Malcome Mclaren, the man reshaped the music world just as I was getting into it and was responsible for youth finding its voice when it needed it most in the late 70’s and early 80’s its fair to say that the teenage years of myself and all my friends were in some way touched by this nut job and he will be sorely missed.

Here we are again and another week has gone by and our glorious leader has called an election the hysteria that has followed is completely underwhelming although they have wheeled the usual suspects out to have their day in the spotlight and try to inject some interest in the rest of us “may the 6th” screamed one “its gonna be close” yelled another as though every pub in the land was buzzing with nothing else I’m afraid in our household the interest is less than impressive do we get a day off? Asked the youngest like we did at school er no said I it would be too much effort to explain really.
On the home front Easter passed pretty much without incident, the youngest did us proud on Saturday kicking Bramley into the national cup semi final and then on Sunday I had a rush of blood and cleaned the Braai off it was a bit windy but what the hell, the Boerewors tasted better with a bit of ash stuck to it and seeing that everyone seems to have left me off the chocolate egg list, I took the opportunity to pig out on red meat and Baileys cheese cake, Mrs. Dwarfe did her usual trick of inviting just about everyone she knew so the whole thing got a bit pricey, still it kept me out of the pub so there was that to moan about too :O)
Friday however did find me in the best pub in the village but the Mrs spoiled the party by getting absolutely hammered in an hour and a half so I ended up having to take her home just as the evening was getting interesting “the man in the pub was in full flow about various subjects that he only has a tenuous grasp of not that he ever lets that put him off and he was attracting quite a crowd with his new found biblical expertise .
Looking around the news there have been some odd ones recently and not all of them are April fools, a bloke in Australia has been attacked by a wombat apparently he stood on it by accident then the wombat which obviously has a low pain threshold subjected him to a 20 minute prolonged attack before he eventually killed it with an axe, you don’t get this kind of stuff round here have to go now the other half wants the PC

See yawl
DD